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Sunday, December 16, 2012

the obligatory wal-mart rant

i pray that this offends less than half of the population...

the question continues to nag at me...how worthless can a human being become?...i know what you're thinking..."worthless" is a fairly absolute term, and once a thing becomes worthless, its journey down the scale of value has come to an end...think again...a stool-softening examination of our modern society necessitates the modification of words such as worthless...walk into a wal-mart...anywhere in post-shame america...and you will find it crawling [in some cases literally] with the most disturbing specimens of what i call the "ultra-worthless" segment of our species...anyone who has ever been scraped with a stick, from the shoe of common decency walks these aisles in the same sweat pants that they have been wearing since the last time their food stamp card was loaded...awakened by the sound of their children preparing their own lunch, they rise from bed every day with no greater purpose in life than the ingestion of another bottle of ranch dressing...these people have consumed more of the world's ink supply in prison-quality neck tattoos than they have in paychecks bearing their names...but, i get a bit bored just hurling clever insults at the obvious...perhaps a moment of scientifically unconventional thought is required to shed some new light on the rather trite subject of uncensored, unsanitary, unabashed americana...
in order to properly ponder these people, i found it necessary to develop a new form of mathematics...a system whose functions more closely mimic the inner workings of this grotesque group... a form of math that is completely devoid of any logic and whose existence has no meaning or purpose...there is no name that can sensibly describe this new math, because to truly contemplate it, one's mind must be completely purged of all sensible thought...for the sake of simplicty, we will call it appalachiabra...
with the proper application of this set of asinine axioms, one can derive an appalachiabraic formula for determining the extended worthlessness factor of a person, which describes the degree by which they have surpassed traditional worthlessness...now, sharpen your pencils...add the number of future-morbidly-obese, illegitimate children that they have; the number of partners with which they have had these children [these days, it's actually possible for the second term to exceed the first]; how much they owe in back child support; the number of prison tattoos they have [neck tattoos count as 1.5] and the number of times the police are called to their house each week...divide the sum of these five terms by the product of how many books they have actually opened in their life and how many times they have held a job for more than one pay cycle...the studious among you will note that if either of the two terms in the denominator are zero, then the person is infinitely worthless...[division by zero is undefined and effectively yields infinity for those of you reading this from a wal-mart wi-fi hotspot]...

                                                        (kids + partners + child support + tattoos + police)
extended worthlessness factor =                           (books) (paychecks)

another chilling point well worth considering is the rate at which this portion of humanity is expanding...the growth rate of this group can not be accurately determined even with the mindless mechanisms of appalachiabra...mainly because the true value of the ignorance contagion factor [which is vital to the rate equation] has yet to be discovered...some of the leading researchers have theorized that the value of this factor may be equal to the difference between infinity and the smallest possible number because, as they have stated "it's definitely a friggin huge-ass number"...like all growth/decay rates, this equation appears to be logarithmic...however, instead of  the natural logarithm, it is based on the recently discovered unnatural logarithm, which appears in all equations used to describe anything that is nauseating and vile...
of course, a full treatment of the theory and application of appalachiabra is beyond the scope of this text...this has merely served as an introduction to this vastly useless area of mathematics...it is my hope that the next time you are at wal-mart [purchasing the garbage that your television ordered you to want, with what's left of the money that you got for your soul] you will find yourself taking a fresh look at the science behind the mind-molesting abominations of human decency that you must inevitably face...



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