sweet lobotomy

i watched a documentary about walter freeman, the doctor who developed the technique for transorbital lobotomy [i'm not going to explain it...look it up if you don't know]...after hearing the results of this procedure, i became envious of the patients on which it was performed...this probably seems a bit unusual to someone who has never written a two page dissertation on the rotational orientation of a roll of toilet paper, but i began to feel a great deal of comfort from the possibility of a complete shut down and erasure of my brain...for as long as i can remember, my mind has been constantly consumed by capricious cerebral calisthenics and marathon mental manipulations of the most mundane minutia imaginable to man...it always seems to be scratching away at something that someone with some sense would sensibly scorn...it's tedious, but i've learned to deal with it...if a useless thought will not leave my mind, i simply convince myself that it is the most important thing on which i can be expending mental energy at the moment...fortunately, maintaining a regimen of illicit brain chemistry enhancement makes it a bit easier to equate the imaginary dissection of  a door knob with the general theory of relativity...i don't like it, but i can live it...and sometimes, if someone is extolling the spiritually uplifting virtues of their new smart phone, it is actually a blessing to be able to drift off into the development of an algebraic formula that will describe the pattern of the floor tile on which they stand...the part that is difficult for me is the memories...
my experience with humanity [such as it is] has taught me that most people have trouble remembering things...i have trouble forgetting things...it always astounds me when someone asks a question about something that they learned in high school [i know they did, because that's where i learned the answer]...when i give the answer, they will sometimes say "damn, how do you remember that?"...the obvious answer being the question begged, "how did you forget it?"...i think i remember absolutely everything about absolutely everything that has ever happened in my life...unfortunately, it's the unpleasant memories that come to the fore most often...memories that cause maximum pain and regret seem to occupy the bulk of my time...events that i don't want to relive, conversations that i don't want to hear and faces that i don't want to see play over and over in my mind...i smoke more, i drink more, i cook my brain with chemicals...but it's like taking an aspirin after you've been hit by a train...it's just not enough...but i can't quit because my chemical lobotomy process is very effective in the area of dream suppression...even though it just barely gets me through my waking hours, i maintain my method of merciless maltreatment of my mind purely out of fear that there is someone that i want to see waiting for me in my dreams......i know it is unwise to conduct this type of necessary medical procedure by yourself...but i have to continue this way until i work up the money to give dr. freeman a call...