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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

the art of parking

designed to be read AFTER the previous post...its like...a sequel...you know?


what i did while i was "away"...

i opened a parking lot that sells "art"...what do you do when you want to sell your "art", but your tired of standing in a tent by the sidewalk?...you open a gallery...great idea...now, what do you do when you actually want to make money at your gallery?...you open a parking lot on the grounds of the gallery...so you end up sitting in a chair by the sidewalk...a bit of irony i suppose...however, it turns out that parking cars is the most economically sound part of the "art" business...i have often thought that if van gogh had had a parking lot, he may not have shot himself...at $4.99 a car, Hyper-Realistic Parking ends up buying a lot more cheap beer than the ridiculously priced pictures that i try to sell inside...what a concept...i get shit-faced drunk holding a cupful of pennies, people park their cars, give me $4.99 and i proceed to make an absolute ass of myself...i knew it couldnt miss...and i only had to pull my gun twice last summer...i named the "artistic" abomination Fountainhead Gallery because i cant help but want the world to kiss my ass if it wont accept me only on my terms...ive learned that the world does not appreciate this as much as i had hoped...live and learn, i guess...so now, [as an "artist"] my new job is essentially to appear troubled and enigmatic...thats it...its really not that difficult...sitting in the parking chair and watching the nightly throng of human repugnance go by...being troubled comes easy...the enigmatic part isnt much more difficult...i just say things that almost make sense but are just outside the realm of comprehension...the words dont necessarily need to have meaning...if you can some how conflate the shallower aspects of immanuel kant's Critique of Pure Reason with the deeper aspects of the honey boo boo show, then you can pull it off...i rely heavily on those to whom i am speaking to believe that [as an "artist"] i am just a little too complex for them to fully digest...i also rely heavily on the copious consumption of cheap beer to lubricate my thoughts as i am performing this most important of "artistic" functions...

i developed a texting trap in the sidewalk...so, i ended up sitting in a chair by the sidewalk...parking cars...i tried to make the most of it by practicing what i call intellectual frottage with the passersby...i enjoy seeing their reaction when i let my weirdness hump the leg of their mind...no response...nothing...it was a cavalcade of cyber-somnambulists  parading down the sidewalk past my parking chair...people so busy with their cell phones that i was afforded absolutely not opportunity to socially violate them...even in the slightest of ways...i got bored...i thought it would be great to make some sort of trap so i could watch these insensible cyborgs fall down and drop their phones...it never ceases to entertain me to see the look of absolute, world-shaking horror on a person"s face when they drop their electric heroin...i witnessed one case of a person falling prey to the trap with a baby in their arms...after getting up, they checked the phone first...[your world...not mine]...i tried several variations...i started with a small, well-camouflaged bump...slowly, i made it more and more conspicuous...bigger...more brightly colored...it made no difference...no matter how obvious, it worked every time...i gave it up out of boredom after i finally dug a large hole with huge warning signs and barricades and still, the people just poured into it... 

i experimented with omnipotence...i sat in public square in cleveland watching window washers and tried to use my powers to make them fall...the first time, i literally passed out from the strain...i woke up with my head in some homeless guy's lap...after a few attempts, i found myself greatly disturbed by the fact that my first act as an omnipotent being would be to cause ill to befall my fellow man...of course, i rationalized...well,i thought, if i am to be the only omnipotent man alive, then i could (and should) consider the remainder of the world's population as insects...to hell with them...let them develop there own god-like powers to defend themselves against me...it just didnt sit well...i guess i am too nice of a guy to operate like that...this thought offered me another route...i rationalized it by believing that, because i am such a nice guy, my innate benevolence would cause me to spare them at the last moment by temporarily suspending the law of gravity...after a few more attempts, i gave up because i realized that, even though i really am a nice guy, my innate benevolence has become severely eroded by a lifetime of dealing with idiots...

i may have trained a cat to make the Law and Order sound ...lets face it...who hasnt gotten bored from time to time with the same tired old cliche coming out of their cats mouth?...that all too ordinary "meow"...i thought it would be easy...watching no less than fifteen episodes of various forms of Law and Order a day in the winter, i assumed the cat would pick it up easily...after a couple of days without progress, i decided to go to a reward system...being a geneva-on-the-lake cat, i concluded that the most effective reward would be Milwaukees Best Ice...i poured some in a bowl, turned on the tv and waited...the cat didnt seem to be able to make the connection between the task and the reward...so, every time the Law and Order sound played on the television, i would look at the cat, make the Law and Order sound and get down on the floor and drink some of the beer out of the bowl...just to show the cat how refreshing and satisfying the reward could be...unfortunately, the project finally ended when i got sick of waking up face down in the carpet with a hangover and bowl of vomit next to my head...there was one time when i could have sworn that the cat finally did it...but with so much cheap beer in me, i cant be sure... 

i spent a month in the lobby of a major bank's headquarters as a piece of installation art...i sealed myself inside of a small plexiglass box with a single air hole...naked, i would cavort and writhe in my own filth...relentlessly screaming through the air hole the solitary word "ME!!" at everyone that walked by...i would wait about one full second after i first made eye contact...just at the point where i was certain that their mind had almost fully engulfed the sickeningly surreal sight that their eyes were sending it...then i would begin..."ME!"..."ME!"...sometimes i would weep and wail...loudly sobbing the word...pleading with the forlorn desperation of an unloved child...other times i  would lower my brow and gnash my teeth...vitriolically screaming the word...attacking with the rebellious hatred of an overly loved child...i ended the installation when someone finally took a selfie with me...posted it on facebook...and truly validated my existence...the superlative banality legal department has forbidden me from mentioning the name of the bank since i failed to ask permission before i showed up in the lobby...