falling...finally

the tree stands too long...
longer than life should allow...
emptied and hollowed by the heartless elements...
battered and broken by the endless gusts of fate...
no memory of purpose...
no hope for healing...
a shameful spire of senescence...
a mocking monument to the irony of strength...
in desperate need of a merciful gale...
to end this futile stance...
finally...
its here

mea culpa

Im sorry for who I am

Im sorry for who I could have been

Im sorry for who I just wouldn’t be

Im sorry i didnt do more of what I should

Im sorry i didnt do less of what I did

Im sorry i laughed at the weeping

Im sorry i wept at the laughter
im sorry for my fear and doubt

Im sorry for my jealousy and envy

Im sorry for my foolishness and delusion

Im sorry for trusting and believing

Im sorry for wanting and feeling

im sorry

outrageous sobriety

Well…that was interesting…I spent this past weekend sitting in the lobby of the geneva state park lodge selling my pictures…this has been previously been referred to as “fruitstanding” [see the slings and arrows never felt better] and has never been attempted without that infinitely vast tool chest of marketing…alcohol…but, I made promises and trudged on without the usual drunken idiocy…those of you with whom i have interacted even slightly will not believe me, so feel free to skip the remainder of this and visit what is currently your favorite porn site…I have a rich history of getting drunk and obtuse whilst fruitstanding, so I was curious to see if I could weather this sudden gust of sobriety…it was odd at first…I found it very difficult not to make references to auto-erotic asphyxia or black tar heroin…fortunately I was enhanced in ways other than spirits… enough so, that the few times something did slip out it was mumbled incomprehensibly and met with confused grins of indifference…serendipity, I guess… I felt dull and inanimate…lobotomized by decorum…I worked around it…like a one hundred pound convict on his first trip to the shower, I accepted the reality of the way things were to be...i took the vanilla ice cream that I was handed and ate it…things began to get better…I found it easier and easier to play that person that the world wished I was…are you ready?……..just by keeping my mouth shut!!...ok…obviously, I didn’t stand there mute…not only would that have been far creepier than my usual showing…but, I believe that the possibility of my total silence would somehow violate the Heisenberg uncertainty principle in some way… all I did was omit from what I was actually saying, all the things that I actually wanted to say…seemed to work out pretty well…I sold quite a few pictures, made decent money [by my standards of course…some people sell one picture and buy a new car…im happy just to get back some of the money ive thrown down this endless rat hole so Im not making soup out of my belt this march], but most of all I met some really cool people…I could tell they were cool the minute they bought my pictures…seriously, the money really doesn’t mean as much to me as does the idea that one of my pictures will be hanging on someones wall…I have a vision of the not-so-distant future…a future devoid of my presence…but I will live on through my work…someone will point at one of my pictures on the south wall of the den in some palatial vacation home and ask “Who did that?”…in my vision, the proud response from the owner of the picture and caretaker of my memory is always the same…”some……..guy, I think”…and that’s reason enough to continue...