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Thursday, December 27, 2012

green christmas

for reasons that are painfully obvious to anyone who has ever been subjected to my presence, i spent christmas eve alone...walking around public square, i occupied the entire evening enviously watching the crowd...the square was filled with people who were pleased that they had the foresight to put an early end to their annual frenzy of compulsory purchasing...confident that durable goods will always suffice in lieu of an honest display of emotions, they were free to leisurely roam the streets of the city and enjoy the lights, decorations and, most of all, that palpable air of comradery which permeates this most anthropic of holidays...i watched complete strangers become distant relatives as they engaged in small talk about the purchasing of durable goods while treating each other with the same sort of reserved politeness that is shown to that rarely seen great aunt with the goiter...for me, however, christmas has always been somewhat depressing [i know...you're shocked]...actually, i think it was this atmosphere of friendliness and sociability that soured my opinion...it always compelled me to dwell on my life-long feelings of complete disconnection from humanity...and this year i was doing some serious dwelling...as i observed the interactions of the couples, families and small groups of close friends, i grew envious of every living soul on the planet that effortlessly enjoys the company of others...don't get me wrong, i do like being alone [maybe a bit too much]...but, as i watched the people socializing, i couldn't help but wonder how they do it...how are they able to feel normal?...how do they avoid regretting their every word and action...how do they escape feeling shame for their obvious flaws?...how do they speak without saying something so outrageous that others will be forced to shun them?...i thought about it for a long time as i wandered alone through the masses...stewing in my sickly green cloud of envy, i began to feel my usual disdain for mankind growing exponentially into ripe hatred...and then, just as my disturbing blank stare was turning to an expression that should arouse the concern of law enforcement, it hit me; something that someone very old and very wise never said to me, but i wish that they had... "Well...that's your tough shit, kid!"...and it was true...there was nothing wrong with these people...i was the one with the problem...i realized that the cloud of envy had condensed and covered me in a thin layer of self pity...i shook it off as i started to feel ashamed of my childish, self-centered thoughts...i said to myself, "for god's sake, man...it's christmas, give these people a chance...give yourself a chance"...i decided to open up...i decided to engage and interact with these people...perhaps with this new attitude i could finally experience the same feeling of connection that they always have...after two and a half conversations about the purchasing of durable goods and one outrageous comment designed to end any social encounter, i went home alone and got drunk...


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