ad nauseum

in the interest of satisfying my perpetual urge to make the most of my angst and misery, i have developed a new hobby...i call it extreme agonizing...here's how it works......pick a subject...any subject...the only prerequisite being that it is something that you can worry about [it's best if you pick a subject that you know you shouldn't think about]...next, you make about four or five pots of coffee...[no food, you'll thank me later]...and make sure you have enough tobacco around to make your lungs bleed...then, you sit there...you just frigging sit there and think about it...it's a good idea to start with the basics...simply dwell on the existence of the problem...piss and moan about how unfair life can be and do the whole "why me?" routine...dabble here and there in denial so that you can feel the shame of naivete once denial ultimately fades into a despondent acceptance of reality...when you have your footing, you can move on to envisioning various horrific outcomes to the situation and your complete inability to deal effectively with absolutely any of them......in order to maintain a feeling of helplessness [which is vital to achieving proper form], it's a good idea to depart from concern for the future occasionally and consider the present...remember...right now, there are things occurring, regarding the subject at hand, over which you have absolutely no control...all of the events that will lead to the most negative of aftermaths could be happening as you sit there......by this time, [with proper technique, of course] you should begin to feel nauseous from the slight but steady, long-term trickle of adrenalin into your blood ...let the negative thoughts intensify in frequency and severity with the increase of the pounding heartbeat in your ears...with the ashtray overflowing and the coffee pots emptied, the nicotine and caffeine should keep your empty stomach from feeling like it will implode, and you can push yourself further than you previously thought gastroenterologically possible...for your sprint to the finish line you should shift over from worry to regret...give yourself the emotional and moral equivalent of an old-fashioned woodshed ass whoopin'...how could you have been so stupid?...when will you ever learn?...questions such as these are necessary to convince yourself that you are doomed to a future of epic fuck-ups...allow the regret of mistakes you have yet to make to come rushing in...agonize about the unknowable details of these future excursions from an acceptable life...you are limited only by your imagination...oh...i forgot to mention the bucket...if you've done everything correctly up to this point, you will need it now for the inevitable crescendo...after ten to fifteen minutes of violent, back-breaking retching, you can feel free to pass out on the floor, twitching uncontrollably in a puddle of sweat...the truly adept will lie naked and motionless in the shower with a blank expression until long after all of the hot water is gone...i'm thinking about petitioning the international olympic committee to have this added as an event in the advanced neurotic behaviors category...i just haven't figured out if the winner is to be determined using a stopwatch or a measuring cup...

Enigma

i froze my ass off to get this picture...i dont know why...i spent all night deciding how to crop it...i dont know why [i finally decided not to crop it]...i wasnt happy until it was blue...i dont know why...every once in a while you get one that just wont let go...i dont know why....

Indelible

Productivity Baby

wow....this stuff was actually taken this week...hurray for me, i guess...i must have decided to get off of my ass...about time....

finally, something "new"

 2012 will not be recorded as the year of my best effort regarding artistic productivity...i had very little inspiration/motivation to go out and take pictures...sheer laziness i suppose...the few times that i did go out, i just couldn't get excited about the results...it all looked like shit to me...in fact, other than just playing around, i haven't picked up my camera in almost three months...but, like the unholy ghost of that unwanted child that you shoved in the closet and forgot to feed, it haunts you; the need to create something...after all, i would hate to waste this tremendous wave of misery that i currently find myself riding, strictly on the writing of useless bullshit on the internet...so today i decided to pack up my gear, gas up the car and drive around until i found something that grabbed me...i took quite a few pictures and felt pretty good doing it...it always feels good while you're doing it...but twenty dollars worth of gas and four hours later i looked at the less-than-thrilling results and thought, "more shit"...well, it happens i guess...frustrated, i decided to go back and look at some of the little bit that i shot in 2012...who knows, maybe i missed something...it was very odd, i distinctly remember these pictures being shit...but, now i was finding some that really interested me...the 2013 me worked on a few until the 2012 me came back...hopefully, i will continue this new-found inspiration until the results satisfy me...if not, i can just wait a few months and maybe i won't see the shit anymore...

gambling with a chainsaw

it happens to all of us...eventually...you're riding the wave...just trying to enjoy what you've determined to be the most that you can reasonably hope to receive from this world...then life sends you the emotional equivalent of a disfiguring chainsaw disaster that lacerates the living shit out of your soul...if it happens to you only once in your lifetime, then you should consider yourself the luckiest person alive...if it never happens to you once in your lifetime, then you should consider yourself the unluckiest person alive...because, it is a necessary element of learning all that you can about the life that you're living...you get wounded...you suffer...you heal...you continue your life [waiting for the next spiritual power tool catastrophe to assail your soul]... this process is known as living...it goes on like this for your entire time in that sack of flesh........sometimes, you will find yourself staring at that wound on your soul for hours...it's beginning to heal...it doesn't hurt as bad as it did at first...but it is still only barely bearable...then for some morbid reason, you can't help but pick at it a little...usually you do it out of a longing for whatever injured you...but you know that the pain of gently tearing at the scab on your soul is the closest you can get to it...so you do it...you sit there by yourself, with a case of molson xxx, a bag of weed and about 4gigs of old pictures, and sulk your way down memory lane until you're miserable enough to satisfy your craving.......but, what if you had an opportunity to see the wound completely vanish by making it much worse than it originally was?...there would be no guarantee that it would work...the only assurance is that the agony will be far greater than ever if it should fail...would you take that gamble?...would the pain of regretting the injury and the desire to make it as if it never happened outweigh the pain of simply waiting for it to heal?...would you convince yourself that you might succeed and reach for the chainsaw again to see if it will cut deeper?...i guess sometimes you have to...some wounds are just too painful to wait for the pain to go away...so you break down...you take a chance that everything will be like it was before and you reach out...now here's the hardest part...when it's over, and you're standing there with the very guts of your fucking soul hanging out, wondering how you could have been stupid enough to think that it would work...can you keep yourself from blaming the chainsaw for being so sharp?...i hope i can......

just a thought

i keep thinking about the thoughts that i thought i would think about (but didn't think about) when i thought i would think about things...every time i think about things, i start off thinking about thoughts that i thought about thinking...but i always end up thinking thoughts that i hadn't thought i would think about...so what about these thoughts that i keep thinking, about the thoughts that i didn't think to think about once i started thinking about things?...can i now consider the thoughts that i thought i would think about (but didn't think about) when i thought i would think about things, to be thought about?

messages

Loving is the ability to view reality in the light of truth...you're in love or in love with being loved?...
you spend your life looking at the world, but how often do you see what is really there?..you try...but,
until you learn to look with the eyes of truth, you won't see the love that is right in front of you...our
time on earth is full of hidden meanings...maintaining an unaltered vantage point throughout your life
stops you from realizing them...sometimes, simply looking down in sadness, is enough of a change
in perspective to reveal to you what was not seen when your head was held high...and, we all live in
anguish when others refuse to see the true meaning of our messages...