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Sunday, January 6, 2013

gambling with a chainsaw

it happens to all of us...eventually...you're riding the wave...just trying to enjoy what you've determined to be the most that you can reasonably hope to receive from this world...then life sends you the emotional equivalent of a disfiguring chainsaw disaster that lacerates the living shit out of your soul...if it happens to you only once in your lifetime, then you should consider yourself the luckiest person alive...if it never happens to you once in your lifetime, then you should consider yourself the unluckiest person alive...because, it is a necessary element of learning all that you can about the life that you're living...you get wounded...you suffer...you heal...you continue your life [waiting for the next spiritual power tool catastrophe to assail your soul]... this process is known as living...it goes on like this for your entire time in that sack of flesh........sometimes, you will find yourself staring at that wound on your soul for hours...it's beginning to heal...it doesn't hurt as bad as it did at first...but it is still only barely bearable...then for some morbid reason, you can't help but pick at it a little...usually you do it out of a longing for whatever injured you...but you know that the pain of gently tearing at the scab on your soul is the closest you can get to it...so you do it...you sit there by yourself, with a case of molson xxx, a bag of weed and about 4gigs of old pictures, and sulk your way down memory lane until you're miserable enough to satisfy your craving.......but, what if you had an opportunity to see the wound completely vanish by making it much worse than it originally was?...there would be no guarantee that it would work...the only assurance is that the agony will be far greater than ever if it should fail...would you take that gamble?...would the pain of regretting the injury and the desire to make it as if it never happened outweigh the pain of simply waiting for it to heal?...would you convince yourself that you might succeed and reach for the chainsaw again to see if it will cut deeper?...i guess sometimes you have to...some wounds are just too painful to wait for the pain to go away...so you break down...you take a chance that everything will be like it was before and you reach out...now here's the hardest part...when it's over, and you're standing there with the very guts of your fucking soul hanging out, wondering how you could have been stupid enough to think that it would work...can you keep yourself from blaming the chainsaw for being so sharp?...i hope i can......

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